Since the side-splitting Australian federal election and the return of Pauline Hanson as leader of the Australian One Nutter Party, we’ve heard about only one of the Royal Commissions she wants to see established – her cherished Royal Commission into whether or not Islam is a religion. She hasn’t yet released her full wishlist of desired Royal Commissions, so here’s a quick run-down of the Royal Commissions Pauline will be pushing for, for those who haven’t been paying attention.
- What’s really causing rising sea levels and global temperature rises (because we know there’s no such thing as global warming or climate change, so it must be something Asian, and don’t you be telling me that it’s just Joe Hockey going for a swim).
- The true shape of the earth (because it’s obviously flat, otherwise all us Australians would be falling off).
- What chemical poison those jet planes are spewing out all over us (and don’t you dare try to tell us it’s just condensation).
- Who’s hiding all that extra money spent when we buy something that isn’t a multiple of five cents (I bet Malcolm’s got it in an offshore account somewhere).
- Why the car industry continues to mislead consumers by calling it an “automatic” transmission when you still have to select what you want manually.
- Who is really running the planet (because we all know it’s either the underground lizard people or one of those jewish/asian/darkie secret societies).
- Who gave aboriginal people permission to migrate here 50,000 years ago, and why won’t they produce the documentation to prove it?
- Why the senate chamber has to be that awful pink/red colour, but the lower house can have a nice green decor.
- Why it’s called “Circular Quay” when it’s a square?
- How much does it cost the Australian people to have a new moon every month? (Typical pinko extravagance – how many do we really need?)
- Is yoga a sexual, satanic cult?
- Fluoride in drinking water (because we know it causes acne, halitosis, autism, civic obedience, and bad parking).
- The connection between childhood vaccinations and adult stupidity, especially in relation to xenophobia, inability to recognise or utilise facts, and inability to form coherent sentences.
If there are any I’ve missed, please remind me in the comments below …
[PS – yes, this is satire.]